Thursday, 24 January 2013

That which scares me

There's few things which scare me in this world. Sure, I have irrational phobias like everyone else (mine includes outer space and crabs) but I'm talking about actual fear. Gut wrenching-keeps you up at night fear.

Sometimes I'm so scared that it's all over. This is during my darkest moments, and to be fair I never tell anyone about it so publishing it here is a bit odd.  But there are times when I feel like, ok, this is it. I've had a good run, I lived my life, I got to do a lot of things, but now it seems to have come to a standstill and there's not really much left for me. Like there's no place for me in this world. Like I've had my time and now, after my 27 years, it might as well be over.
This is not a roundabout way of me saying I want to die. This is not that kind of blog.
This it about facing my fear, confronting it and acknowledging that it's right there. That for me monotony feels deadly. I carry it with me and I'm working to banish it, every day. I find ways of proving that side of me wrong all the time. But still, some days all I want to do is cry. And why the hell should I not be able to? In fact, why do we find it so damn hard to face up to our own frail, human nature? It's highly possible to be a happy, well-adjusted member of society and still have days when you just want to curl up and hibernate for a few years.

We're so obsessed with strength in this world; so frightened to appear weak or out of control. When really, it's these daily battles which makes us stronger. The bravest people that I know have gone through wars which has left them wiser. Many of them have been on anti-depressants and many of them have needed professional help. They have all admitted to their own weakness and shortcomings and carried on. That's strength  Softness can be strength  kindness can be strength  For some people just getting out of bed in the morning is a sign of strength and determination which could match that of any mythical hero.

So, I suppose that what I'm saying is that there's no shame in admitting that you're having a bad day. In fact admitting to it might help you see that you're not having a bad life.

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