Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Life lessons

I like to think that my bang-ups and hang-up have left me with some valuable life lessons. Like, I know how to get red wine, blood or grease stains out of practically anything . I also know that mayo will help remove waterstains on wooden furniture and that no good will come out of calling your ex after a bottle of wine.
Life is a goddamn steep learnings curve, but still it seems it has taken me this long to accept and understand certain PIVOTAL facts.

  • Cheese will make everything better. Unless you're lactos intolerant, in which case (as a cheese obsessed lactos-lover) I feel bad for you. You could always try bacon though, it has pretty much the same effect.
  • A person, be it friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, who only likes you when you're happy but seems hesitant to be involved when you're upset or sad, well that person can fuck off. Love doesn't work that way.
  • Same goes for guys who protest at the mention of a condom. Really, they can fuck off. This is probably the most fool proof way of detecting a dickhead you'll ever have. So if you DO get frisky with a boy and he looks at you with puppy eyes and says: "But you're on the pill, right?" you could (as a friend of mine actually did) try to stare him straight in the eye, smile and exclaim "No, WE'RE HAVING A BAAAABYYYY!"
  • If you find yourself being unhappy during a longer amount of time you almost always have to change something. News flash: It's not always you.
  • Cutting your own hair is always a bad idea.
  • Making stuff will make you happy. It doesn't matter if it's a loaf of bread, a new blog, a million lists of stuff to do, a playlist, a scarf... Actually creating something is a mood booster, albeit a short term solution.
  • People who say they don't like musicals are clearly really sad on the inside and need more musicals in their lives to cheer them up.
  • The only one you should call after 3am is the taxi company.
  • Being in a relationship should not leave you feeling lonely.
  • Learn how to enjoy coffee. Honestly, it's the best advice I can give you. It's legal, it's tasty, it will bring you energy, comfort and frankly you will never be seen as a proper adult until you do.

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