Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Let me tell you that I love you, and that I think about you all the time

Today I miss Edinburgh so much it hurts. I'm not just saying that, it feels like I'm pouring salt in to a wound then I look at a map over Scotland. It stings and burns and makes me feel like there's a gaping hole in my body.
I've come to realize that I will always miss it. It was home for 7 years. That's a long time, and I did most of my growing up over there. It has left me with a sense of a dual nationality, and unfortunately also with a feeling of not really belonging anywhere. My best friends in the whole world are over there. The future I want seems to be over here. My family is here, but I still seem to be in my element in Britain. I fit in in a way I never did in Sweden. But maybe that's because I never gave it a chance to begin with.

Not a week goes by without me wondering if I made the right decision to move back. I don't think I will stop questioning myself until I've set down some proper roots over here. When you're in limbo it's easy to long for the place where you felt safe. I used to long for Sweden and ache when thinking about the salty air of my home town. I have been torn between these two places for so long.

I left because I wasn't happy with the way my life had turned out and I wanted to change it. Just rip it up and change it all. I don't think that I can ever go back, not to how it used to be. I want to be able to give Sweden the same chance I gave Scotland and truly set down some roots. But I will never stop missing my Edinburgh streets, the smell of the city, the lights, the people, the loves of my life. I left a bit of my heart over there and I will have to accept that it's always going to haunt me.

But I suppose the wound will scar and one day I will wake up and realize that I'm finally at home.

No comments:

Post a Comment