Oh, aren't they just...

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Life. It's very complicated, isn't it? So many amazing and beautiful things which can happen, and so many ways in which we can fuck them up. So many chances and decisions and dreams and plans. So many people we can love and then lose and so many ideas of what life really should be like.

Oh what I would give for a manual, a "LIFE for dummies" kind of book.

A guide of when to take a chance, when to fall in love, when to say no and when to spend far too much money on a dress you will probably wear again.

My brain feels fried, it's like all the creativity has been drained. Like my imagination has the flu or something. It's frustrating, to say the least. And there are so many things playing on my mind, some pleasant, some stressful. Like a weird crush on someone I don't even know and the fact that I don't seem to own any clothes that are fit for office work (in spite of having previously worked in an office and owning over 30 dresses).

Life. There are no right or wrongs and still I'm so terrified of making the wrong decision. In spite of knowing that the only truly wrong decision I could make would be to take up crystal meth or wear a lot of pastels (it clashes with my complexion. pastel colours, not meth. Although I don't suppose it would do wonders for my appearance either) it's still so frightening that the outcome of all of this is down to ME. No one else. Oh, mother....

Advice me, advice me real good.

When you're in the middle of reshaping your life people tend to want to give you a lot of advice.
I welcome it, I enjoy it. But I am terrible and following it (GIVING advice, on the other hand, I'm GREAT at that).

But I was given one piece of advice a few weeks ago.
Well, not even advice, this person just stated a fact.
That fact being, that if you keep doing what you always have done, the result will always be the same.
So if you're unhappy with the result, change the way you go about things. Simple as that.

So here goes nothing.

I'm ther queen of nothing, I'm the king of the world

I suppose I've always been impatient. I want it all and I want it now and I despise waiting.
There are times when this is a good thing, I get stuff done. I'm efficient as hell to be honest, you should see me move flats, unpacked within minutes people!
But when working towards a career it turns out it's counter productiuve. I need the internships, I need the masters degree. I need to be in it for the long run and work towards a goal that might be 2, 3,4 years in the future.
And I find it hard to wait for 2, 3,4 MONTHS for something. I just want to grab the ball and run with it, but unfortunatly no one wants to play ball with a girl with very little work experience within the field she's interested in.

This morning I saw a job ad for my ideal job. I could seriously feel my heart beat a little bit faster. And I knew I would never have a chance of getting this job, not now, not until I've put the time in with the unpaid projects, internships and placements. Not until I've been accepted and finished my masters degree (adding some more digits to my already sizable student loan). It's a long term goal.
And I suppose I should be grateful that I have one.
But god damn I just wish I could do it right now.