Let me tell you that I love you, and that I think about you all the time

Today I miss Edinburgh so much it hurts. I'm not just saying that, it feels like I'm pouring salt in to a wound then I look at a map over Scotland. It stings and burns and makes me feel like there's a gaping hole in my body.
I've come to realize that I will always miss it. It was home for 7 years. That's a long time, and I did most of my growing up over there. It has left me with a sense of a dual nationality, and unfortunately also with a feeling of not really belonging anywhere. My best friends in the whole world are over there. The future I want seems to be over here. My family is here, but I still seem to be in my element in Britain. I fit in in a way I never did in Sweden. But maybe that's because I never gave it a chance to begin with.

Not a week goes by without me wondering if I made the right decision to move back. I don't think I will stop questioning myself until I've set down some proper roots over here. When you're in limbo it's easy to long for the place where you felt safe. I used to long for Sweden and ache when thinking about the salty air of my home town. I have been torn between these two places for so long.

I left because I wasn't happy with the way my life had turned out and I wanted to change it. Just rip it up and change it all. I don't think that I can ever go back, not to how it used to be. I want to be able to give Sweden the same chance I gave Scotland and truly set down some roots. But I will never stop missing my Edinburgh streets, the smell of the city, the lights, the people, the loves of my life. I left a bit of my heart over there and I will have to accept that it's always going to haunt me.

But I suppose the wound will scar and one day I will wake up and realize that I'm finally at home.

Oh, aren't they just...

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Life. It's very complicated, isn't it? So many amazing and beautiful things which can happen, and so many ways in which we can fuck them up. So many chances and decisions and dreams and plans. So many people we can love and then lose and so many ideas of what life really should be like.

Oh what I would give for a manual, a "LIFE for dummies" kind of book.

A guide of when to take a chance, when to fall in love, when to say no and when to spend far too much money on a dress you will probably wear again.

My brain feels fried, it's like all the creativity has been drained. Like my imagination has the flu or something. It's frustrating, to say the least. And there are so many things playing on my mind, some pleasant, some stressful. Like a weird crush on someone I don't even know and the fact that I don't seem to own any clothes that are fit for office work (in spite of having previously worked in an office and owning over 30 dresses).

Life. There are no right or wrongs and still I'm so terrified of making the wrong decision. In spite of knowing that the only truly wrong decision I could make would be to take up crystal meth or wear a lot of pastels (it clashes with my complexion. pastel colours, not meth. Although I don't suppose it would do wonders for my appearance either) it's still so frightening that the outcome of all of this is down to ME. No one else. Oh, mother....