Q's x 60

1. How old are you? 27.

2. How old do you feel? Like a mixture of 17 and 70.

3. What have you done today? Had far too much coffee, applied for jobs, planned a birthday meal for a friend, booked meetings, looked at universities, spent too much money at the supermarket.

4. Which film did you last see? "The Law in These Parts", it's a documentary on the Israeli legal system. It's not procrastination if it educates me!

5. Who did you last call? My friend Camilla regarding above mentioned birthday meal.

6. Are you obsessed with something? A have a range of cool obsessions, from Lord of the Rings to 50s dresses.

7. Are you scared of blood? Not in the slightest.

8. Describe the place you're at right now. By my temporary work station (eg. my parents living room), close to the fireplace and away from drafty windows.

9. Name your 5 favourite books. "The unbearable lightness of being" by Milan Kundera, "Needle in the groove" by Jeff Noon, "The collected Dorothy Parker", by (you guessed it) Dorothy Parker, "Moominpapa at sea" by Tove Janson, and "Rebecca" by Daphne Du Mauriers.

10. And your 5 favourite films? "High Fidelity",. "Virgin Suicides", "Fight Club", "Shaun of the Dead" and "Amelie"

11. Which colour dominates your warderobe? Black? Although my wardrobe seems to be consisting of a hell of a lot of floral patterns, it's like a constant garden party. My mum reckons I was an British upper class lady in a previous life, I reckon she might be right.

12. When did you wake up today? 8am.

13. Which is your favourite holiday? Christmas!

14. Where in the world would you want to be right now? I would like to be in Berlin. But summer Berlin, not winter Berlin.

15. Name a place in the world which you have visited and you never want to go back to. Christ, I'm not sure. I've never had a horrid holiday, but I suppose I'm not keen on the Glaswegian suburbs.

16.  How would you like to spend your retirement? With someone I love, finally learning how to knit, drinking good whiskey by the fire and learning French properly.

17. What are you listening to right now? A documentary on the former Swedish PM Olof Palme.

18. Have you ever broken a bone? Funnily enough, no. And I'm the most accident prone person I know.

19. Name 5 things you always have in your fridge/pantry? Milk, onions, lemons, pasta, tinned tomatoes.

20. Who is your favourite celebrity? Hugh Jackman. I mean, he's Wolverine AND he can sing. He's pretty much the ideal man.

21. What mood are you in right now?  Much better than Monday's rage and Tuesday's apathy.

22. Which continents have you been to? None but Europe. Must do better.

23. Do you snore? If I'm drunk or if I have a blocked nose. The same as everyone, I suppose.

24. Which occupations have you had? Receptionist, waitress, barmaid, hostess, shop assistant, kitchen porter, barista, customer service agent... Essentially I've worked my way though most of the jobs in the service industry.

25. What clothes do you prefer? Dresses and black cardigans.

26. What is your star sign? Scorpio.

27. Your favourite sweets? Salt liquorice and really, really sour sweets.

28. What are the last words you said out loud? Most likely something foul and I spilled coffee over my notebook.

29. What are you wearing right now? A knitted cream coloured dress, leather belt and 2 pairs of socks.

30. Which is your favourite shop? Any secondhand bookshop.

31. What size clothes do you wear? It varies from size 10 to size 14, depending on if it's top/bottom, and also which brand.

32. What do you have in your pockets? My phone and some old receipts.

33. What was the last thing you bought? Almonds.

34. How many times have you moved? 10. That includes the different flats I had when still staying in Edinburgh.

35. Which was your best subject at school? English & Swedish. Big surprise, eh?

36. If you were alone on a deserted island, what 3 objects would you take? A knife, matches and sun block (supposing the island is a tropical one, I would not survive for long without spf 50).

37. Are you a morning or an evening person? Morning. Although it has taken me long to realise this and actually make the most of it.

38. Which is the last film you saw in the cinema? Les Miserables. Oh, Hugh....

39. Have you ever gotten stitches? No.- Once again, this is surprising. Fools luck maybe.

40. Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Growing up where I did (with nudist beaches in the middle of town) it was unavoidable.

41. What did you have for breakfast? 2 cups of tea and a crispbread with cheese and ham.

42. How did your life look 10 years ago? As I've boomeranged back home it's a lot like today. Except I'm less of a pain and more jaded.

43. Have you ever been fined for speeding? Nope.

44. Who in your life did most recently do something special/thoughtful for you? My Gran. She does stuff like that all the time and I can't begin to explain how much I love her.

45. Where do you keep your mobile phone when you're sleeping? Next to me, on airplane mode.

46. What was the last thing you ate? Baked potato! I love baked potatoes, but usually I'm to impatient to cook them.

47. Who is the most beautiful woman in the world? Beauty is a fluid concept and to be honest I can't pick. There's too many beautiful women in this world for me to mention one alone.

48. Are you shy? No. But I can be awkward in situations I'm not comfortable in.

49. Which was the last gig you went to? The Crookes in Glasgow last summer.

50. What is your middle name? Emma.

51. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yup. Got rammed in an intersection by a careless driver. Luckily everyone came out of it unharmed.

52. Have you got something locked away deep inside which nobody knows about? Of course.

53. Which is the most fun form of exercise? I'm still trying to find that one form of exercise I find FUN. I like walking and swimming but I just don't understand people who talk about the "runners high" etc. I like video games, drunken running and dancing to 80s music.

54. Do you have any pets? No. I really wish I had a dog but my nomadic lifestyle wouldn't allow it.

55. Do you want to get married? Any excuse for a party, no?

56. Where did your parents grow up? Swedish west coast, just like me.

57. What is your nationality? Swedish through and through. I always wanted to find some kind of exotic
heritage but it's likely the most exotic it will ever be is Danish.

58. Do you have any nicknames? Nea and Lin-Lin.

59. Have you ever called the police? Yes. After a break-in in my first Scottish flat. I didn't even have furniture at that point so it must have been some disappointed burglars leaving my flat that evening.

60. Which is your biggest weakness? My impatience and my failure to see things through. I'm great at starting up projects but terrible for sticking with them to the end.

I'm ther queen of nothing, I'm the king of the world

I suppose I've always been impatient. I want it all and I want it now and I despise waiting.
There are times when this is a good thing, I get stuff done. I'm efficient as hell to be honest, you should see me move flats, unpacked within minutes people!
But when working towards a career it turns out it's counter productiuve. I need the internships, I need the masters degree. I need to be in it for the long run and work towards a goal that might be 2, 3,4 years in the future.
And I find it hard to wait for 2, 3,4 MONTHS for something. I just want to grab the ball and run with it, but unfortunatly no one wants to play ball with a girl with very little work experience within the field she's interested in.

This morning I saw a job ad for my ideal job. I could seriously feel my heart beat a little bit faster. And I knew I would never have a chance of getting this job, not now, not until I've put the time in with the unpaid projects, internships and placements. Not until I've been accepted and finished my masters degree (adding some more digits to my already sizable student loan). It's a long term goal.
And I suppose I should be grateful that I have one.
But god damn I just wish I could do it right now.

25

My baby brother is turning 25! The little guy I used to be able to boss about, dress up as a girl and tease until he cried (oh, I was horrid. Until he hit his teens and got taller/stronger than me). 25! How did this happen?! 

That which scares me

Source

There's few things which scare me in this world. Sure, I have irrational phobias like everyone else (mine includes outer space and crabs) but I'm talking about actual fear. Gut wrenching-keeps you up at night fear.

Sometimes I'm so scared that it's all over. This is during my darkest moments, and to be fair I never tell anyone about it so publishing it here is a bit odd.  But there are times when I feel like, ok, this is it. I've had a good run, I lived my life, I got to do a lot of things, but now it seems to have come to a standstill and there's not really much left for me. Like there's no place for me in this world. Like I've had my time and now, after my 27 years, it might as well be over.
This is not a roundabout way of me saying I want to die. This is not that kind of blog.
This it about facing my fear, confronting it and acknowledging that it's right there. That for me monotony feels deadly. I carry it with me and I'm working to banish it, every day. I find ways of proving that side of me wrong all the time. But still, some days all I want to do is cry. And why the hell should I not be able to? In fact, why do we find it so damn hard to face up to our own frail, human nature? It's highly possible to be a happy, well-adjusted member of society and still have days when you just want to curl up and hibernate for a few years.

We're so obsessed with strength in this world; so frightened to appear weak or out of control. When really, it's these daily battles which makes us stronger. The bravest people that I know have gone through wars which has left them wiser. Many of them have been on anti-depressants and many of them have needed professional help. They have all admitted to their own weakness and shortcomings and carried on. That's strength  Softness can be strength  kindness can be strength  For some people just getting out of bed in the morning is a sign of strength and determination which could match that of any mythical hero.

So, I suppose that what I'm saying is that there's no shame in admitting that you're having a bad day. In fact admitting to it might help you see that you're not having a bad life.

Life lessons

I like to think that my bang-ups and hang-up have left me with some valuable life lessons. Like, I know how to get red wine, blood or grease stains out of practically anything . I also know that mayo will help remove waterstains on wooden furniture and that no good will come out of calling your ex after a bottle of wine.
Life is a goddamn steep learnings curve, but still it seems it has taken me this long to accept and understand certain PIVOTAL facts.

VITAL LIFE LESSONS

• Cheese will make everything better. Unless you're lactos intolerant, in which case (as a cheese obsessed lactos-lover) I feel bad for you. You could always try bacon though, it has pretty much the same effect.
• A person, be it friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, who only likes you when you're happy but seems hesitant to be involved when you're upset or sad, well that person can fuck off. Love doesn't work that way.
• Same goes for guys who protest at the mention of a condom. Really, they can fuck off. This is probably the most fool proof way of detecting a dickhead you'll ever have. So if you DO get frisky with a boy and he looks at you with puppy eyes and says: "But you're on the pill, right?" you could (as a friend of mine actually did) try to stare him straight in the eye, smile and exclaim "No, WE'RE HAVING A BAAAABYYYY!"
• If you find yourself being unhappy during a longer amount of time you almost always have to change something. News flash: It's not always you.
• Cutting your own hair is always a bad idea.
• Making stuff will make you happy. It doesn't matter if it's a loaf of bread, a new blog, a million lists of stuff to do, a playlist, a scarf... Actually creating something is a mood booster, albeit a short term solution.
• People who say they don't like musicals are clearly really sad on the inside and need more musicals in their lives to cheer them up.
• The only one you should call after 3am is the taxi company.
• Being in a relationship should not leave you feeling lonely.
• Learn how to enjoy coffee. Honestly, it's the best advice I can give you. It's legal, it's tasty, it will bring you energy, comfort and frankly you will never be seen as a proper adult until you do.

I've decided that only good things are allowed to happen this week

I'm going all in with the cheer this week. Believe me, it's not entirely easy when you wake up before the break of dawn (from weird nightmares about ex boyfriends, no less), and it's minus 8 and windy outside. It's not easy at all. But, I digress, I'VE DECIDED ONLY GOOD THINGS ARE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN THIS WEEK.
Examples of what is allowed to happen:

• My meeting regarding an internship today going really, really well.
• Money appearing in my account
• Hugh Jackman showing up at my house, offering to do a full Les Mis rendition for me and a selection of my friends.
• He's also allowed to ask me out for a drink.
• Inspiration hitting me like a sledgehammer and my book winds up almost writing itself.
• My friend A squeezing out her baby boy so that I can head down to Copenhagen and visit+get baby cuddles.
• Job offers. Job offers are totally allowed to happen.
• Sunshine.
• Even more sunshine.
• More comments on here from you LOVELY people. I have MISSED YOU.

Things which are not allowed to happen:

• Anything bad.

On the art of flirting

I don't think it's a secret that I tend to go for loudmouth-men. You know the guy who's the center of attention and the loudest one in his gang of friends? The one who's kind of annoying but happy to talk to everyone? Well, that guy tends to be my boyfriend. And I'm starting to understand why.
I just don't get it when other guys hit on me. If it's subtle; I don't understand it. Easy as that. The loudmouths and the creeps (the ones you shouldn't leave the bar with but you still do), them I get. Probably because they go about the art of flirting the all the grace of a horny bull in a china shop. Well, at least you can't ignore them.

Perhaps there's also a link to the fact that I have spent the last 10 years being someones girlfriend (an endless parade of boyfriends deemed unsuitable for one reason or another, but still...). I find it hard to get back into the game because I have never truly taken part.
I don't necessarily want to go out with the loudmouths. Fair enough, confidence and being able to dump them in any social situation and they still get by, that IS sexy. But surely you can have these qualities without also being the class clown? I'm really trying to give the quiet ones a chance, I'm just so damn useless at actually picking up the signals.

I'll give you an example: I was out for drinks with a big group of friends. Everyone was chatting and getting to know each other, and I found myself talking about music with this one guy. Sweet, polite, obviously had a good head on his shoulders. After a while he was popping out for a smoke and he asked me to join him. Having spend a large part of the night outside with the smokers I didn't think much of it. We stood outside, chatted for a bit. Nothing more to it.
I went back inside and the night just sort of carried on the way it had. Big chats, stolen glances, smiles across the table A few hours later, the guy was about to head off, but before he did so he walked over to the end of the bar where I was sitting and leaned in. He smiled at he and said: "So. I'm leaving now, but I was just wondering..."
And before he had time to finish, before I had even clocked that this might be him, you know, making his move, I start moving about, looking around me in a manic manner and I say: "Oh, I'm so sorry, am I sitting on your coat or something?"
In my defense, I WAS sitting on someones coat. Just, not his. The poor guy looked a bit crestfallen, shook his head and said his goodbyes so swiftly I was amazed there wasn't a nice guy-hole in the wall. Obviously he assumed I had turned him down in some roundabout way.
I didn't even consider that he might have been interested until the next day when my friend asked me if I had gotten his number, because, you know we had spent the whole night talking.
God damn.

That pretty much sums it up. I guess on the flirting-scale of thing I'm stuck on the 6-year old level where you just sort of punch and tease the people you like. A bit like this ("Do you like.....Bread?").

Come here Friday, you beauty

In spite of pretty persistent snow and below -10 temperatures I'm still nursing this feeling that spring really is just around the corner. Call me a hopeless optimist, but I suspect that is what's getting me through January and February.
I don't know why but I've got this feeling something big is about to happen this spring. Like a weird premonition of a change. I'm assuming it's for the better, cause to be honest I'm refusing to let 2013 be anything but good.
Anyway, back to the present. It's Friday, isn't it? The one day of the week when it's socially accepted to be annoyingly optimistic. I've already had some good news, which leads be to believe that next week will be a glorious mix of productiveness and festivities. Although I'm still waiting for the great revelation I think I'm getting a little bit closer every day. I guess that's down to my afore mentioned hopeless optimism. It really does come in handy sometimes.

"You're a big sister, aren't you?"

I suppose I make it pretty obvious that I'm a nice person. I smile a lot, I enjoy taking care of people. I cook dinners, clean houses, buy little gifts and remember how people take their tea and coffee.
You know how they say that "nice guys finish last?". Well, sometimes I wonder if nice girls even get to take part in the race. I'm not suggesting that I'm going to turn into a total rabid bitch, but I do feel like it might be time to stop being so bloody nice all the time.
A woman (ok, ok, a nurse) I spoke to yesterday guessed that it had to do with me being a big sister, that we automatically become a litle bit too caring at our own expense. I'm not sure this is correct, but I do know that I suffer from good girl-syndrome big time. The grades, the niceness, the caring, the way I automatically find myself in the kitchen cleaning up at family events.... And also the way I have put myself in situations where I know with 100% certainty I shouldn't be, just to "rebel" against my own nice girl-persona.
Well. New year resolution 2013, as overrated and pointless it may be, I'm going to be even kinder.
To myself.
The rest of you, well, you're just going to have to get by on your own. Unless I really, really like you, in which case I will probably to super nice to you. Cause, you know. I'm not a total dick.

It's the return of glamdamage

In the midst of heartbreak and relocating back to my home country I deleted the blog I had used as a (very public) diary for several years.
And as it turns out I do not regret this, same way I do not regret BAILING OUT OF THE UK as my relationship ended and my job drove me mad. What I do regret is how I went about things, but I suppose I can live with that.

But now I'm back folks, after several halfhearted attempts at other blogs. It's Glamdamage, darling. I'm home!